Sorry I haven’t posted in such a long time, I have been super busy trying to get my life together lol, but also I’ve been working really hard on myself and surrounding myself with friends and family and I’ve had the best few months of my life. I’m so excited to get back to writing now and updating you guys on my recovery. Lots of love to anyone who is still reading these posts, it means more to me than you will ever know <3
Recently I’ve had to remind myself that one small bump in the road doesn’t erase all the progress I've made so far. For years I have become very good at beating myself up over little things, and it’s only now I am finding it slightly less difficult to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made, and for the things I regret. My recovery journey has been extremely up and down, I feel I have achieved goals that I have been working towards for years, such as being able to control my temper and having a lot less outbursts of rage, taking care of myself more, and standing up for myself when people aren’t treating me the way I deserve. However, I’ve had to fight new battles but the hardest being anxiety. I’ve felt as if I have been making very good progress with my therapy, and when I felt like I was really getting my life together, that’s when I felt like it all came crashing down again, and because of how much I’ve been struggling with anxiety recently it is now one of my main focus points in therapy. From the age of about 15/16 when I first suffered from depression, I’ve always felt as if there has been something thats been stressing me out or causing destruction to my life, whether that was being bullied at school, moving schools, having a toxic relationship, suffering from depression again at the age of 18/19, having an eating disorder, being diagnosed with BPD, coming to the end of another relationship. I feel as if I have always had some sort of mental challenge, if that makes sense. I think my brain doesn’t really know to react when I’m starting to feel better? And that’s why my anxiety has increased a lot. From speaking to my psychiatrist and therapist they thought the same thing, my mind has always been battling something, or having such deep sadness about something that it started taking over my life. I feel as though I have been quite on top of everything at the moment, I’m slowly moving past the heartbreak, I am worrying less about food and just focusing on a healthy lifestyle, I don’t even have a gym membership anymore! Which has honestly been such a big relief for me because I used to force myself to go almost every other day because I had put so much pressure on myself to have the ‘perfect body.’ Now I work out with my friends every so often, and my family, my cousin is a fitness trainer and working out with her is so amazing, I have finally begun to enjoy exercise by not forcing myself to work out every day. I have been making mistakes and learning from them, rather than beating myself up about them, my relationships with my mum and sister have flourished because I have been trying to hard to be a better person, not just for me but for them. They’ve been so supportive and incredibly kind to me during the difficult periods in my life, and they celebrate all my little victories with me.
I have booked myself on various courses, such as an anxiety workshops, another course which is based around people who are recovering from eating disorders, and another one on emotional attachment. I booked and passed my driving theory test which I was super proud of myself for, I’ve been starting my driving lessons again and going to job interviews, writing and working on my own music with my singing teacher (it took me 2 months to pluck up the courage to even tell him I was writing my own music never mind actually show it to him and start working on it) these might not seem like massive achievement for some people, but I’ve spent years letting my mental illness consume my life. I feel like I really am achieving something, just by doing things that make me happy rather than things I do when acting on my impulses, that often ends in me feeling super shit. Despite all of this I still feel so anxious, like I said, emotionally, I’ve always had a lot of my plate, so now I’m really sorting my shit out my brains like, what do I stress about now?! I don’t think I know how to react to being fully happy, accepting of myself, and taking care of myself. This is just another battle for me during my recovery, and it is something I have full faith in being able to tackle. I’m excited for my future and can’t wait to share it with you guys, in hope that it will inspire you and give you hope to keep going despite how hard things may be right now.
My anxiety flares up in different places, usually when I am somewhere which holds certain memories with someone who isn’t in my life anymore, or if I’m somewhere I am unfamiliar with, or it can just come randomly throughout the day, but my anxiety is usually at its worst when I am trying to sleep. Since I was a young girl I have always experienced trouble sleeping, sometimes being too scared to sleep that I would have to stay up watching TV until it was light for me to got to sleep because ‘murderers wouldn’t break into my house in the morning’ that was my thought process each night. I’ve managed to go to my doctor and they have prescribed me some medication that has really helped to calm down my anxiety.
The past few week I’ve felt super shitty and knackered and its been really hard for me to focus on everyday tasks due to my anxiety at night keeping me awake at night, the meds are helping though, slowly but surley! On the bright side, the past 5 nights I’ve gone to bed, I have successfully drifted off without having to watch TV to distract myself from my anxious thoughts, 2 of these nights were when I was sleeping in the same bed as a friend (which has always made me feel slightly less anxious) but for the past few night I have slept in my bed all by myself and just fell asleep naturally rather than distracting myself from being anxious until my eyes couldn’t stay awake anymore. This is great progress for me and I hope it only gets better from here!
The one thing that I have been doing that has been lifting my mood and distracting me from my anxious thoughts has been reading poetry and listening to calming music. My personal favourite artist to listen to is Jack Johnson. Honestly, the ‘This is Jack Johnson’ spotify playlist has been healing me recently! It’s so beautiful and calming. Poetry has never been something that I was particularly interested in, and to be honest with you I absolutely hated it in high school, but the past few books I’ve read have been so incredibly helpful. I just bought a ton of new poetry books that I will link at the bottom of this page along side the ones that I have read recently. I have set myself a task of taking at least half an hour out of my day to read my poetry and listen to Jack Johnson, which has been working a treat!
I hope this post can also be a reminder for people that its ok to have a little break some times and have some time off, as I did with my blog, and that I really don’t have my shit together all the time, although I try to keep these blogs positive, we all have our demons, and although I feel I am moving in the right direction and I am definitely making good process, I still mess up, I have still have my flaws, and I’m still working on myself every day.
These blog posts are so therapeutic for me and I truly will never be able to explain the happiness it gives me when people read them. I am no way a perfect writer, I am extremely dyslexic as you can probably tell lol, I make plenty of little mistakes on here but I truly do this for my own wellbeing, and to do my best to help others. I enjoy writing these so much and it brings me such joy that it has helped some people develop the courage to speak up about mental health, or it has helped guide them in the right direction towards recovery. I am as open and honest as possible, and the love I get from these blogs warms my heart so much because I know I am receiving love for who I am and what I stand for. I truly am so grateful, whether its 1 person or 100 people who read my posts, if I can even make a tiny difference to one persons life, I am incredibly happy.
I hope you guys enjoyed this post, thank you for reading.